Throuple 101

Polyamory is a novel concept to some, and being the newest to this healthy-poly-lifestyle thing of the three of us, I've decided to take on the task of explaining my perspective on throupledom. The first question I'm usually asked by monogamous people when they hear about my relationships is, "How does that work?" To which I usually respond, "Just like any other relationship but with more talking and less rules." As a person with a longstanding interest in why people do the things they do (I think some people call that social psychology), I always questioned where rules came from. Why can't I call him first? What is so magical about sex on the third date? If people can fall in love with more than one person across a lifetime, what is there to keep them from falling in love with more than one person at once?

I found my first love early in life, at the barely ripe age of 18. It was a passionate, intense, and mostly monogamous relationship. To this day, I still love him, and I probably always will, although we haven't spoken in over two years or seen each other in six. That love didn't go away when I found my second or third love. No, they were all still there, each flame different, each glowing their own soft hues of red or purple or an ethereal blue-white in varying intensities. When I met Man Face, I was still carrying around two old loves and all their respective baggage. That may have caused problems down the line in a monogamous relationship, but he was already engaged to Otter Face, and after quickly verifying through the grapevine, I confirmed that they were in fact poly—YES!

It didn't take long after my first date with MFace for us to spiral through the new relationship energy (NRE) onto the love train. There were a few rough patches to work through between the three of us, but we soon found our new normal in that initial V formation, me dating and quickly falling for MFace while he and OFace figured out how to marriage. We started spending more time all together and found something there I don't think any of us originally expected. Last June, Otter Face and I dropped the L-word bomb on each other, jumpstarting our transition from V to triad.

There are as many different styles of polyamory as there are people who practice it, which makes sense because it requires only that you be honest with yourself and your partners about your needs and desires and construct your relationships to maximize mutual benefit. There is no one-size-fits-all guide to non-monogamy, and there are no societal rules handed down through generations about how to do this. Although the three of us have slightly different approaches to poly, we all agree on a few points in all of our relationships:

• No partner is more important than another partner. (No hierarchy)
• It is each person's responsibility to honestly communicate their own needs and to listen to and respect the needs of their partners. (Radical honesty)
• Commitments and expectations must be fully communicated, and consent must be given by all involved parties. (Informed consent)

This works for us, and yes, it does involve a LOT of communication. We use group texting, Facebook, and Google calendar, but that's no replacement for face-to-face communication. When a need arises, we find a time to sit down and talk about it. We are able to sustain a household together, our relationship as a throuple, our individual relationships between each other and with our other partners and friends, and our own personal lives with careers and hobbies and everything because we genuinely want each other to be happy and we all work toward that common goal.

"But don't you get jealous?!" Well, let's talk about that for a minute. What is jealousy? It's the feeling you get when you want something someone else has. It's like this cool little tool your brain has built in to help you figure out your own desires. If you see someone drive by in a Corvette, and you feel jealous of that person, that's your brain telling you that you want a Corvette. If MFace goes to a concert with another partner instead of me, and I feel jealous, that tells me that I want to go to more concerts with him. So I use that information to communicate that need and say, "Hey Man Face, I really like going to concerts with you, and I want to do more of that. The next time you find a show you want to see, can we go together?" Some people call jealousy the green-eyed monster; I call it the green light. It's kind of the opposite of a red flag. It's the "go towards it" signal in my brain, pointing me in the direction of my wants and needs. Once my need is met, I don't feel jealous anymore.

I am the happiest I've ever been, and I owe it in large part to my polyamorous lifestyle. I have a huge support system and a wonderful community; I have loving partners who give me all the good feels; I have a chosen family that beats the pants off the crazy people with whom I share a gene pool; and I have a promising future ahead of me full of love and adventure. Some people don't understand the choices I've made for my life, and that's okay. I am living as my best actual self, and that's all that matters.

art by adria / mercuri